So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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