I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
