You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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