My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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