I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
