Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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