I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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