I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
