You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
