They should really pass out barf bags in church
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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