i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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