grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
