Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
