I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
