spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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