Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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