worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
