My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
