Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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