he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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