New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
