I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
