How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
