I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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