Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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