Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
