I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
