I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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