I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
