I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
