ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
