they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
