I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
