Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
