I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
