dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
