Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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