If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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