Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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