dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
