This dress was meant to end up on your floor
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
