your parents love me but you hate me
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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