So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
