sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
