I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just invented taco cereal.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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