i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
