My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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