Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
