I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
