I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
