the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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