What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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