I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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