apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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