dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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